I put myself in a tough mindset this week. I've been very focused on all of the things that I need to get done 'before'...before I start treatment, but - as my mind has a tendency to do, it is before who knows what. This morning I was awake at 4am, distraught, (or - as distraught as I can be these days, now that they have started me on the Zoloft) that we had never had any formal family pictures taken. You know, the cute ones where we are all giggling together in black and white. It's always been something 'on the list' for when I lose 20+ pounds. Stupid. So now, I'm worrying about the fact that we never got it done -- and now treatment is going to start and WHO KNOWS what will happen. Yikes. Clearly, a 4am panic attack. However, I informed Chris, that once the first month of treatment is done, we are going to make it happen. While I don't necessarily think I'll really want a reminder of this year -- I'd like it to be a reminder to not wait --- for anything. Not for the next 20 pounds, not for when we aren't having to wade through medical bills, not for when it is more convenient. We should be capturing every year and making sure that our girls can look back and remember when we giggled in black and white.
I met with the nutritionist this week to learn what I need to get through the treatment. Fluids, fluids and more fluids and protein. Fluids will help me manage the toxicity and the protein is to keep me from losing weight. The irony is not lost on me that this is the first time I've been told not to lose weight...of course, it is when I can't seem to keep it on. It's right up there with being someone that can't stand to wear shoes...if I could've lived in flip-flops, I would have - and now, clearly, my flip-flop days are over. The universe has a sense of humor.
I had my first Reiki session today. I didn't really know what to expect -- but found the whole thing fascinating. Our nanny's mom has been learning Reiki - and she wanted to work / practice on me. This was the first time I had spent any time with our nanny's mom -- although she has spent a lot of time with our girls. Just getting to hang out with her was uplifting and it pulled me out of the residue of my 4am funk. The Reiki (or is it reiki?? I'm not sure what is appropriate...) was completely 'hand's off' -- but while she was working on my head, my hair was standing on end -- it was crazy. I could actually feel pressure on my leg at one point, but she never touched me. I'm not completely sure what it did for me, other than leaving more energized and out of the rabbit hole for the day. I'm hoping to go back next week as I get into treatment.
Tomorrow is chemo class. Strong potential for another funk. On days when I can get out, do errands, hang with the girls...I can almost pretend that life is back to the old normal, with the exception of being down a toe. But, when I head into the doctor's office, the reality of what I'm facing comes back and I have to muster up the focus to keep in the right frame of mind. That fighting spirit. It's there...but it likes to hide on doctor days.
I've been doing some canning again -- see above for pretending that things are back to normal. I consider it therapy as it keeps me on my feet. I made the mistake of tasting my raspberry jam today -- and after nearly 6 weeks of next to no sugar, it tasted overly sweet and kind of disgusting to me. I was never much of a jam person anyway -- I just like making it...but my reaction to it was a surprise. I might just be able to bake the girls some cookies and keep from trying any...sugar does not taste good anymore.
For tonight, I have gratitude for a week of nearly normal. Our new normal. I picked the girls up from school, helped them with homework, got them to follow-through with their chores (although, sadly, they still leave a trail of stuff behind them wherever they go) and have dinner as a family. We've had time to talk about what is going on, time to laugh and time to remind the girls that mom hasn't changed, much to their dismay. Tomorrow, we have a date night scheduled and will get to spend time with friends that we haven't seen in awhile -- and get to hang out with each other, just the two of us. This week has reminded me that life is good. No qualifications, no 'despite what we are facing'...it is just simply good. We have each other - and we are blessed.
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