The process of letting people know that you have a disease like cancer is an interesting process. Do you tell them? Do you sidestep it? Do you let them hear through others? It's weird. Especially if you tend to be a generally private person (as I blog in a public space that anyone can get to...oh how quickly things change). While letting family know is one thing, the whole process in letting friends, acquaintances, old work connections and don't even get me started about Facebook friends know -- well, it can be awkward. I have dear friends that I immediately turned to - and they have been a core part of my support structure over the last 23 days. But, I have other friends that I care about, but haven't talked to in a long time -- and calling them up to say 'hey, I'm dealing with cancer now' seems odd. When they do hear, however, I feel awful for not calling them right away. I also had to let our financial advisor know and need to tell my daughters' pediatrician, and Chris told our insurance guy. You feel like you are dropping this little grenade - and then waiting to see if there is aftermath. I received an email from a work friend who heard from an agency person that I don't even know. Seriously? It's weird. Again - private person. So knowing that I've become the subject matter in conversations of people that I don't even know...well, frankly, in the spirit of focusing on what really matters -- I guess it really doesn't matter. I've hit this point where I'm appreciative of the prayers, the positive thoughts, the good mojo being sent my way...and it seems like quantity isn't a bad thing when it comes to prayers and good mojo. Frankly, putting it out there and saying (or typing) the words cancer, amputation, and malignant melanoma takes the power out of the words. I refuse to whisper the word cancer. It sucks - and I'm comfortable saying that in as loud of voice as possible. Twenty-three days ago, my life changed in about 15 seconds of a phone call. It's not going to help me to keep it to myself....so there you go.
Today, I was supposed to get the stitches out of my foot. It didn't happen. I think that my doctor could have managed my expectations a bit better -- and instead of saying I'd be walking a couple of weeks after surgery, he could have said 'a few'. I'm very literal. He didn't seem surprised that it wasn't time to take out the stitches -- but I was. Also, there is something bubbling with my heel. They think it is plantar faciniitis -- but I'm off to get an MRI to check anyway. I am quickly understanding how each time I gear up for another scan, the panic starts to bubble. Is my life going to change again? I suspect that I will feel this way each and every time.
The doctor also shared that they had to re-do the radioactive tracer shot into my toe in the operating room. Both Chris and I were pretty ticked. Seriously?? I had to go through getting TWO SHOTS into my bad toe, pre-surgery, and they STILL did it again? I'm done with Park Nicollet. We know it isn't the place for our long term oncology journey -- and this last little tidbit left me flabbergasted at how casually this shot was treated.
Leaving all of that behind and focusing on what I am grateful for (clearly, not the radioactive shot guy) -- I am grateful for my friend, Heidi. She is an amazing care giver. She not only goes beyond the call of duty to take care of her friends - and I am grateful that I am one of them. She has brought food, orchestrated meal train and now has orchestrated house cleaning for us. As Chris said last night -- "there are so many people that want to help and do good things...they just need a General to get them organized. Heidi is a General". He is so right. But more than that, Heidi is an empathetic, giving, funny, amazing woman. She is also just an amazing friend. As my sisters will tell anyone, my history in choosing friends has occasionally been suspect. I was just saving up for a friend like Heidi.
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