Made it to church today, for the first time in a couple of months. Church is always a bit of an emotional journey for me, even on the best of days. The music and the connection of the community always seems to resonate with me and help me to feel a sense of purpose again. Today's message was about finding your humanity in times of weakness -- and finding the blessings in your tears and pain. Yep. Let's just say it resonated more than usual today.
When I quit my job, I had this vision of being 'Super Mom' -- volunteering at school, getting more involved in church, orchestrating play dates where all the kids would always want to come to our house, cooking everything from scratch, doing it ALL, never needing to ask for help. Instead, I find myself in a position of needing to ask for help, of realizing that not only can I NOT do it all -- but there are many things that used to be easy, that are now difficult. That it will take a community of friends and family to help raise and protect and care for not only my children, but Chris and me. Keeping our fears and needs private and only showing the "we can do it all" side does not actually make us strong. I'm finding that it takes more courage and strength to say that I need help. It's hard and it's uncomfortable.....but I'm working really hard to find my way.
Mom met with Pastor Doug this past week. Another piece of asking for help. Completely out of my comfort zone. My spirituality has always been very internal - very private. Asking for help in prayer, praying with someone. Not comfortable....and so very needed right now. I'll be calling Pastor Doug this week and will meet with him. So -- as we heard this morning, there are blessings in the pain, gifts in the vulnerability, courage when you are in need.
In other news, M lost her first tooth Friday night. A lot of excitement in writing a note to the toothfairy -- and then actually getting the tooth out. I'm not convinced that the tooth was ready to go...but out it came. I love these moments. I am grateful for them. This is what life is about. The belief in the toothfairy and hoping for a little bit of pixie dust along with some shiny quarters. Sisters plotting together to make it all happen. This is where I find joy.
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