Day 35

I've always been big on managing expectations.  It could be from years of working in a big corporate culture - and managing expectations can be a career builder or ender...or it could be just how I'm wired.   It's probably how I'm wired - as I'm more frustrated than I should be with doctors that aren't managing my expectations.   If I know, I can deal with it.   If I get surprised -- it really throws me for a loop.  

Back when we planned this amputation, I was told I'd be up and walking in a couple of weeks -- and it would just be an insert in my shoe and I'd be 'good to go'.   Well...I'm walking in about four weeks.  I'll take it.  I'm thankful to be up and moving.   But, as I learned today, it is a bit more than 'just an insert in my shoe' -- and no one was clear on what that shoe would be.  Okay...I'm realizing that I'm focusing on the wrong things here...but, my single pair of shoes, for the next uncertain amount of months...is awful.  Awful.  I was dealing with saying goodbye to my shoes.  My really nice shoes.  Really nice.  I spent more money than I should have, nice.  I was okay with it.  Until today...when I looked at the big, black, clunky, men's shoes that I have to wear for the undefined future.   I'm still glad that the toe is gone...but I'm not happy about the shoes.   I shall be living in very long, black pants for the same undefined future.  If you can't get rid of them, hide them as best you can. 

Chris climbed a mountain today -- he got us into University of Pittsburgh.   Today has been a scramble to lock down flights, and figure out coverage for the girls.   I'm trying not to get my hopes up that this will be the answer to what we are looking for....but, I am hopeful.  It becomes overwhelming.    

I heard from a friend of a friend that has hit her five-year cancer-free mark.  I will focus on this kind of hope.  What rallied me was her focus on remaining positive and eating clean.   Two things that I can do.  I pray that I have similar success that she has shown to date.   

Today, I am grateful for my in-laws.  They are here.  They offer Chris a different kind of support that I am thankful that he has right now.  I can tell that he is exhausted.   My mother in law is the perfect mix of empathy and 'stay tough' love -- she is wonderful.  She has been riding shot-gun with me as I get comfortable driving again.  She plays with the girls.  She made soup.  My mom made soup.  I love that our moms make us soup.  The ultimate comfort food.  Our parents have never stopped parenting -- and when we need them most, they are there.  I pray that we are able to do the same for our girls when they are grown.