Day 27

It was a long day on the front line.  In my mind, or maybe it was just my hope, we'd have a meeting with a doctor who would say "I'm in this with you -- I will get you through this".  It hasn't happened yet.  We've gotten more - "hey, I'm happy to treat you if you want...but you can go wherever".   It leaves me feeling that, at least to these doctors, I am not valued.  I'm not worth fighting for and helping...which just pisses me off.   I realize that we are going to have to drive this, every step of the way -- but I KNOW that there are doctors out there that at least demonstrate some sort of partnership.  So far, my dermatologist has been the only voice of caring so far.   So that sucks.  That - and the feedback that the PEG Interferon treatment would actually be for five years, not 18 months as we were told by the last oncologist.   Which guy is right?  

Tonight, I am frustrated.   Frustrated and scared and sad.  I need to get my fighting spirit back -- but it drained out of me today.  I need more time. 

So...because I'm just tapped, I'm just going to focus on what I am grateful for...maybe it'll get me out of this funk. 

I am grateful for my little girls.  On a dark day, they can make me smile.  W walked over and tapped my remaining four toes -- just letting me know that it was all okay.  M snuggled in to do a dot-to-dot and was full of kisses.  M dialed through a catalog that came in the mail and circled everything that she wants.  Clearly she is preparing for winter, she circled four different coats.   W read aloud three chapters from the Little House book that we are working on.   I love the sound of her voice and how she tries to do different voices for different characters.  I'm grateful that they continue to find normalcy despite the swirl that we are managing through.  I pray that they continue to feel like their world is simple.  Normal.