Day 10

Day 9 was pretty straight forward.  I no longer have ten toes.   While I still have to face the visible reality -- I am thankful the toe is gone. 

I continue to be in awe of the kindness of strangers.  The care that I received from the nurses at Park Nicollet was wonderful.  Lovely, caring women with empathy, yet they were fabulously pragmatic.   

The most distressing part of yesterday was the shock of having an injection into my toe before surgery.  I knew that they need to put a radioactive tracer in me for the node biopsy, but I was informed, by a number of folks, that it would be into my iv line.  That was not the case.  It was an injection into my toe, just below the open wound.  I was hysterical...and not the funny kind.  To make matters worse, the first one didn't work -- so it was done twice.   The pain from that injection is now my phantom pain in my non-existent toe...so I get to keep feeling it.  Lovely. 

But -- it is done.  I am home.  I can move forward.  

Today, we got the call that my node biopsy was negative.  The cancer did not spread.   I think that this was when the full emotional impact hit Chris.  We have been up and down for the last ten days -- and this big piece of good news allows us to just focus on healing for the next few days.   Chris has been a warrior - and I can see the weight of all of this on his shoulders.   We received the best possible news and outcome that we could possibly have at this point.  

We also learned that the melanoma was 6.5mm deep.  It was a monster.  A big, aggressive monster.  It is this information that I will hold on to everyday when I look at my foot -- and I will be thankful for the scar, thankful that the toe is gone.  Thankful.  Every.  Day. 

I think that I have become a meditation junkie.  My sister, Karen, sent an article about a friend that was a two-time breast cancer survivor, and she used a meditation app from Hemi-Sync.   Last night, I went through the pain management mediation app over and over again.   Literally, it was playing in my ears all night long.  It is a little bit crazy -- but it works.  Another new part of my new normal that I will embrace and appreciate.  

Today is a quiet day with the girls -- I'm resting and meditating, and taking whatever pain meds that Chris hands me...and trying to ignore the dreck that is the Barbie movie that the ladies brought home from the library.   Perfect to sleep to...and that is about all.