Day 6

I'm not very good at waiting.  That said, the absolute terror that I have of actually learning what we are dealing with,  stops me cold.  But, I don't want to wait anymore.   Today, we wait. 

This morning was the PET scan.  So, waiting at the hospital, waiting while radioactive tracers went through my system, waiting in the PET scan (why is it that your nose always itches when you aren't able to move??), waiting to not be radioactive anymore.   Worst part, I couldn't be around my girls.  We did FaceTime, but it isn't the same. 

Spending the afternoon in quarantine, I did get the benefit of visits from my mom, my dad and my sister.  It is hard having the conversations that we are having - and not being able to hold a hand or give a hug.   Family is such a gift. Seriously.   I can't imagine how anyone could walk through this type of battle without the support system of their family.   Our parents, our siblings, aunts and uncles -- and friends that are essentially family, as they are so interwoven within our lives.   We have support -- more than I think we ever realized.  How do you ever find the words to thank people for just being there, praying for you, knowing that they are sending positive thoughts our way.  It's a lot.  

My fear is always about my girls.  Are they doing ok, are they taken care of, are they scared.  Yesterday, when we told them that I was going to lose my toe, I was in tears.  M wanted to know if my toe was going to grow back - and that it was weird to see me cry.  But, at 5am this morning, she was in our room, not feeling well - and, she finally admitted, scared about my toe.   W is just quiet.  Offering lots of hugs.  Watching.  She doesn't miss a thing.   I don't know what the future holds, and that scares me for my girls.  But, I go back to family, friends - and I know that they are there and they will all make it okay for my two little ladies. 

My dad helped remind me today that I come from a pragmatic family.   We don't spend time asking "why me" or "how could I have stopped this from happening" - and, he's right.  I haven't spent anytime on the 'why' of this -- it just is.  It is just something we have to deal with head on.   Both of my grandmas and my grandpa faced down cancer.  I know, without a doubt, that not a single one asked "why me".   I'm sure as hell am not going to bother with it either.    Still scared, though.