Day 4

So, at four days in, we've realized a couple of things.   First, if we don't sleep at night, by day, our defenses are down...especially mine.   It was a tougher day today.   I was up most of the night, trying to plan for the future without any idea as to what the future held.  I'm a planner by nature, and not having an idea what we're facing, and therefore, not knowing what we need to plan against, is hard.  I'll get over it, but it gave me a rough night.   C's mantra is 'one day at a time' - and just focus on working through Day 4.  I continue to try and hear that - and let all of the planning go.   Clearly, this will be a learning experience.  

The second thing that we've realized is that we'll need to talk with the kids, at least about my toe, before the whirlwind of next week begins.   We need to be at our most calm - and by Tuesday, we should have the results of the PET scan - which has high potential for our not being calm at all.   While I'm dreading it a bit -- it will also be a relief.  I know that the kids are realizing that something is going on, and that it has something to do with my toe....and that it is bad.   W let me know today that she was scared about my toe.  Dang - kids are always smarter and more perceptive than we realize.  Every time.  

The girls and I spent the afternoon watching movies:  Robin Hood (the Disney cartoon version, not the Kevin Costner debacle) and Saige or Paige -- I forget. She's an American Girl.  Despite being horribly distracted by Jane Seymour's wig, I was still crying at the end...clearly, I'm tired.   The movies may not have been great, but the quiet time, curled up with the girls, was a treasure.   Meanwhile, C and his mom made pickles and candied jalepenos upstairs.  I love canning, and realized that watching it and not being able to participate just made me sad...so movie time.   And girl time.  I can't complain. 

I'm trying to figure out how to meditate.  I made it for two minutes this morning.  I keep invisioning Gandolf at the bottom of my toe, striking down his staff, shouting "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" to the cancer.  I'm not sure that is what you are supposed to do while you meditate -- but I like the visual.   I found an app that guides you through mediation -- so I'll give that a try tomorrow.  Hopefully, I make it longer than two minutes....but I'm not giving up my Gandolf visual.  

Tomorrow I'm low-carbing it in prep for the PET scan.  Since I'm basically functioning on my green smoothies, it will be tough.  Plus, no caffeine.  Ugh.