50/50 shot of surviving to 5 years and 30% shot of surviving to 10 years. I know that Chris keeps reminding me that we can't focus on the numbers -- and that these numbers come from data that goes back nearly 50 years AND that a lot has changed with melanoma in the last 3-5 years, which is changing the curve...but, how does that not punch you in the gut? 10 years - W is 18. My baby will be 16. That is when we are supposed to be gearing up for college, and worrying that our little power bundle of energy will be getting behind the wheel of a car (oh my).
These are not my numbers - and they are not going to be my numbers. Considering that I managed to swing into the 1% club of getting this in the first place, I'll just keep playing in the narrow numbers -- as I will be in that 30%. But I'm scared...just really scared.
We talked treatment options today -- and frankly, it sounds like we should almost assume that this is going to come back. The goal is to delay, as more treatment options open up every year. I'm trying to look at that as a positive -- but, I know that this battle isn't anywhere near done. There is another shoe that will most likely drop...we just don't know when. My job, which will be a tough one for me, is to focus on each day and not focus on it with fear. This isn't my strong suit. I'm a planner...one might say a "worse case scenario" planner. Time to learn how to live fully in the present.
We'll head to see at least one more oncologist and confirm opinions on the treatment option that was recommended today. My gut tells me that we won't hear much that is different -- but I want to be with someone that will be hard core on surveillance. If this is probably going to come back - I want it caught FAST.
I started reading some fighting cancer in the kitchen cookbooks yesterday. I need to do something to feel like I have an active hand in fighting back...and cooking is something that I know how to do. Although, right now - I can't really do anything. But, mom whipped up a tomato soup that was in one book -- and wow. I'm hopeful that food combat is something that both Chris and I can embrace and feel like we have some empowerment in dealing with this beast.
A couple of weeks back, Chris and I rewatched the Band of Brothers episodes. We realized today how much fighting cancer is really like fighting a war. We made it off of the beach -- it didn't spread, we're in the fight. Some days, like yesterday, we're not on the front line...we're resting, we're gearing up, we're getting the lay of the land. But today -- it is another day on the front lines. We're immersed in it and we come home exhausted and fearful. I'm assuming that treatment will be a bit like Bastogne. Just trying to survive in my foxhole.
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