An outing was orchestrated today -- primarily by mom and Chris. I need to get out of the house for something other than a doctor's appointment. They are right. My tendency is to sit in my chair and try not to dwell on the what ifs of the future.
We went out to lunch - the girls, mom, Chris, me and my scooter. It was nice to be out and about. The manager of the restaurant stopped by to see how our lunch was -- and started questioning what happened to my foot. I tried to deflect - but he kept asking...so I told him. He never made eye contact with me again. Sorry dude, I tried to keep it easy for you.
Friends have started to visit - and I'm finding that the company is going a long ways in buoying my spirits. I really have been in a bit of isolation for awhile, and I miss hearing about the rest of the world. I was nervous about seeing folks - but now I'm eager for next week's visitors.
Not going down the rabbit hole is going to be my biggest challenge. The fear is lurking. The fear that I've wasted time leading up to now. The fear that I'll waste the time I might have left. The fear that it won't be much time. The fear and realization that I'm just not in control. Tough for a control freak. Yes, there are things that I can do - and I plan on doing everything that I can. But most of this -- it is with God. I flashed back to my day in the brain MRI and the brief moment of the song from my childhood and the overwhelming feeling that God was with me. I need to remember that more often. He is with me. I can't control this -- and I don't need to. It isn't mine to control. My job is to accept that - and to focus on the gift and hope of every day. I know this -- but it is doing it, every day that will be my challenge.
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